Changes happen pretty much every week when they are babies and every other month when they are toddlers, the rate we are hit with growth and changes in the first couple years is pretty intense and unfair (time can be so unfair). There has been many changes that have been extremely emotional for me, some that still bring teary memories to my eyes; when nursing my babies came to an end (TEARS), when they started walking (stop growing), when we said goodbye to the stroller (that change was an end to an era) and when they started saying all those (previously) hard to pronounce words, properly (and so many more in-between). Our home is inching closer and closer towards what feels like a really huge season change, maybe the biggest since bringing our babies home that very first time. Hopefully I didn’t make that all sound more dramatic than I intended, but it feels rather dramatic from where I’m standing.
This moment in time seemed so very far away and then all of a sudden, BAM we were here. Next week, both kids will be in school full time. My main and most important role as a Mom, will forever be changed (dramatic much). It will still be just as important, but it will be forever different. I am mixed with so many feelings of anxiety, sadness and even a little bit of excitement – basically I’m a bit of a basket case. It’s so bittersweet to watch kids grow and each age really is more amazing than the last, yet you wish they would hold just a little longer in each of those moments – this is another one of those, HOLD ON, moments.
Sending babies off to school, means I have much more time for me. Over the past 4 years of staying home with the kids, I have tried very hard to keep what I felt was ME intact and not lose sight of who I am – even though my family is my whole world and plays a gigantic role in helping to define who I am. I tried to not let my talents, skills and passions get mixed up (while focusing) on the crumbs, scrapped knees and peanut butter sandwiches. I feel like I’m in a really good spot, I don’t feel lost but I also don’t feel found (but I many never fully feel found and I’m sorta okay with that). I will be so sad to send both kids off to school, but am excited to be able to come back home and work during daylight hours and then be there to walk them home and talk about their day when school lets out.
I feel like I have big dreams for my life/career and maybe now I can give those a bit of my daylight time. I am excited to spend more time in this space and my brand collaborations, growing and hashing out ideas I previously just flat-out didn’t have time for. Excited to be able to devote more time to hello bee and my columns there. I am really excited to be able to focus and give more to my freelance work (a mixture of mostly apparel design/development and some graphics and social/marketing) and hopefully move quicker, with more gusto (and less fright) towards other business goals and dreams (which totally aren’t ready to be shared). And of course, yoga – still every single day, but with no more missed days sprinkled in.
When I think about all these things, I get really excited – but then I look over at my kids, hear them giggling and see the giant mess in every corner of our little home and I get super sad and very nostalgic thinking it won’t be like this every single day. And just like when nursing ended, they started walking, we said farewell to the stroller, and they learned to say “friends” not “fwiends” – it will never be like “this” again (well until next summer).
photos by King and Harlow