The past few weeks have been a super rough one for me and my first born, the kinda rough where I put myself in more “quiet times” to catch my breathe or calm myself, then I hand out. My usually sweet boy, has hit a new horribly painful stage of bad behavior, somewhere between 4 and 5. I have no idea what this stage is called since, it doesn’t seem to be as glamorous as the terrible twos and so doesn’t seem to have a name.

We have been having far too many days in a row where, I pick him up while he’s sleeping, rock him and silently cry telling him how sorry I am for raising my voice, losing my cool, and for just not being a better mom. Too many days where I feel like I am unequipped and at a total loss for how to deal, and properly parent the behavior and attitude that seems to come along with this “fun” new age.

I have spent countless hours reading and looking for “tips” or rather information on how to be a better parent to my 4.5 going on 14 year old. I keep hitting walls, most articles and books like to categorize children in 4-6 different categories of temperament which then results in, 4-6 different behavior tendencies and 4-6 possible ways to raise/deal with/nurture. At times I find these categories more confusing then helpful, both my children fit into 2-3 of these categories and it sometimes changes as they grow. They are dynamic little beings, with growing personalities, which results in changes of temperaments (sometimes). So I gather up all the information I can and “test” different methods and strategies to work with him – trying to stay nurturing, firm and positive to all 2-3 aspects of his temperament.

As I gathered and wrote a new list of bullet points, of possible parenting “methods” for this new unnamed rough stage we have hit (the crazy list/organization lady rears her head again) – I remembered hearing from people that the first born was your “test child” the “trial and error child” and other things that sounded super ridiculous and actually sorta cold, at the time. But sadly (or maybe not sadly, IDK) there is some truth to it.

I am totally blindly following King’s lead, when the days get rough I have to sit back and adjust how I “mom” – usually it’s me that needs to change, he is growing and changing and 9 times out of 10 I need to adjust my parenting to meet his growth. We are riding on these sometimes super rough and most of the time smooth, sweet and gentle, waters together. I don’t really know where we are going and neither does he, but there is something extra special about learning along the way together. The second child (and third, fourth and fifth – if you are of the super mom variety) no doubt have the benefit of being your partner on a trip the second time around, you will already know the way (a little, since every child is different) and they can just take your hand as you more confidently follow their lead. The second time around has been a bit smoother, in my small and short experience – even if for the small reason, that I have an idea of what might be up ahead. But there is something so extra special about being the “test child”, parenting is truly a one of a kind journey with each child but navigating the waters for the very first time is something you only get to do once and that lucky first-born gets to be your partner on that very first rocky and smooth trip.

So as rough and rocky as our days have been, I have been (trying) to reminding myself that even these rough times will be sweet memories later in life. Little snapshots of my very first parenting journey that I got to take with my first-born “test child” and I am so grateful that I have him to hold my hand (or anger-ly not want to hold my hand) through all these first times (how ever sour and sweet they might be).

I am also trying to remind myself that we all have rough parenting days/weeks, and that maybe I’m not perfect but I am perfect for him.