Sitting down to write this or even vocalize this was in it self, pretty overwhelming. Explaining those thoughts that consume my overactive brain and sometimes become the root of my anxiety is/was so hard. Like so many other things, it all makes perfect sense in my head – but since the thoughts are always in my head, to get them out and make actual clear sense is another story.
Every few weeks I consume myself with thoughts of the future; dreams, hopes, wants, all of these things. Not material wants or dreams, but thoughts about what I should be doing with my time (the time not spent raising my kiddos, because that will always be my number one dream). See this is where it gets really hard to explain. With back to school for King right around the corner (sad mom panda), thoughts of next September (when both kids will be heading to school) creep in my mind. On top of making myself extremely sad thinking about the fact that they have grown up so fricking fast, I have a muddle of thoughts about what I should be doing for myself and for an income when that time comes. See I always have these thoughts that there is something I should be doing, but my issue is I can’t pin point it. There so many dreams, so many things I feel I should be doing – I can’t narrow them down enough to figure it out. It’s also very hard to explain the SHOULD feeling.
I have tons of experience and knowledge in one field (and assumed I would go back to it at some point), have the skills and love for others, have serious entrepreneurial fever, plus a passion for things entirely separate. Having kids and being a stay at home Mom has made me a much more confident and self assured Brandy, it has also given me so much time to think and has opened my eyes to more passions and skills that I didn’t know existed in me before. Many days I feel like the jack of all trades and the master of none, but am constantly consuming my thoughts with how I can be the master of a couple things fulfilling all my dreams and needs in the process. It’s very hard to explain.
I feel like the natural way to do things in life (crazy metaphor coming up) is to pick one item from the garden and make the best meal you can possibly make. My issue has always been that I can’t decide on just one item, I love and am pretty great at cooking so many of them but I just can’t figure out how to make them all go together in one epic recipe. Do you ever get this overwhelming feeling that is created by your own thoughts, hopes and dreams? I know I will get there, eventually and will probably continue to change and grow along the way – but not seeing it clearly right now, makes me a little crazy. I think I just have this natural ability to constantly be dreaming and scheming, and overwhelming myself in the process.